This year's holiday season has been a bit of a blur. Between time spent with Lochlan, and event planning, and distribution contracts, and family get togethers, I feel as if I've been sinking into an ever deeper hole of avoidance and anger.
It was all I could to muster up enough energy to shop for gifts. I just didn't feel like being "merry and bright" and the stores always seem to be filled with frustrated, hurried shoppers hoping to get everything done before dinner. Everything seemed forced somehow this year. Things seemed to pile up and get left for last minute. Nothing seemed to fall into place easily, if at all. It all was a blur and a chaos that just seemed to happen.
The approach of the new year hasn't been any better. I remember last year - we were in Chicago for new years eve. Mike's friend owns a restaurant which was hosting a party, so we decided to go out and stay with friends for a while so we could go. I remember we got in the car to drive from the suburbs into the city - as we drove, I started to cry. I couldn't bear the thought of entering into a new year without Saoirse. Every change of the year means ever more time since I saw her smile, heard her laugh, held her close.
This year I kind of forgot it was a holiday. I've been going about business as usual today. Planned on going to bed early, and hopefully having the baby sleep soundly. Then I realized that the rest of the world was staying up to party and welcome a new year. I kind of wanted to just stop time for a bit. 2014 seems to have so many expectations coming with it. I don't know if it's the events coming up for the foundation, or the beginning of distribution for the products - but I feel as if I'm never going to meet the expectations I have for myself this year, let alone the ones of others.
I feel stalled. A new year should bring new beginnings, clean slates, new hopes and dreams. This year for me, it brings fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed, and another year without Saoirse. I wish I could stop time and take a breath and just be - with no expectations and no agenda. Just Be. But somehow the world doesn't stop turning, and time does't stop ticking. And we all must keep moving.
Always think of you. I know you'll find your way, but wish I could take some of it away for you right now. Love.
ReplyDeleteWhen you give all you have, doing the best you can, you can't fail. Even if you don't live up to 'expectations,' you are a great you, and that's all anyone can ask.
ReplyDeleteIdeally one should try not to think about expectations. I think the worst thing that people do is put expectations on themselves and others or even situations. Expectations just lead to failure when they are not met! Make small goals for yourself that are achievable and eventually they will grow into bigger ones. Please don't beat yourself up for being human and making mistakes. Live your life to the fullest for Saoirse and your family and never stop dreaming "for" her and who she could have become!
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