Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The holiday blur, and a new year

This year's holiday season has been a bit of a blur. Between time spent with Lochlan, and event planning, and distribution contracts, and family get togethers, I feel as if I've been sinking into an ever deeper hole of avoidance and anger. 

It was all I could to muster up enough energy to shop for gifts. I just didn't feel like being "merry and bright" and the stores always seem to be filled with frustrated, hurried shoppers hoping to get everything done before dinner. Everything seemed forced somehow this year. Things seemed to pile up and get left for last minute. Nothing seemed to fall into place easily, if at all. It all was a blur and a chaos that just seemed to happen. 

The approach of the new year hasn't been any better. I remember last year - we were in Chicago for new years eve. Mike's friend owns a restaurant which was hosting a party, so we decided to go out and stay with friends for a while so we could go. I remember we got in the car to drive from the suburbs into the city - as we drove, I started to cry. I couldn't bear the thought of entering into a new year without Saoirse. Every change of the year means ever more time since I saw her smile, heard her laugh, held her close. 

This year I kind of forgot it was a holiday. I've been going about business as usual today. Planned on going to bed early, and hopefully having the baby sleep soundly. Then I realized that the rest of the world was staying up to party and welcome a new year. I kind of wanted to just stop time for a bit. 2014 seems to have so many expectations coming with it. I don't know if it's the events coming up for the foundation, or the beginning of distribution for the products - but I feel as if I'm never going to meet the expectations I have for myself this year, let alone the ones of others. 

I feel stalled. A new year should bring new beginnings, clean slates, new hopes and dreams. This year for me, it brings fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed, and another year without Saoirse. I wish I could stop time and take a breath and just be - with no expectations and no agenda. Just Be. But somehow the world doesn't stop turning, and time does't stop ticking. And we all must keep moving.  

Friday, December 13, 2013

Two Years....

Two years ago my world stopped right in front of my eyes - you left us. I let out a scream and gasped for air. My breath tried to go with you.

Somehow the world around us keeps turning. It should have stopped turning with your last breath. 

I still wonder how it keeps going around. Maybe you are spinning it. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Shopping for Saoirse

Last week, my friend Vicky called me up. She left me a message saying she wanted to talk to me about something interesting that happened at work that day. I would have never guessed what was coming next. 

Where Vicky works, they have giving trees - trees that have tags with the names of children who are in need of some holiday cheer, and a note about what they would like for a gift. Vicky was putting some new tags on a tree and she stopped to read the names. There was on that grabbed her attention - a 2 year old girl named Saoirse. She stopped, took a moment, and took the tag to get Saoirse a gift herself. She called me because she wanted to know if I would like to go with her to pick out the gift. I was so glad that she called me. 

While for some grieving parents, this would be too hard, I was really excited. It's sort of a little way I could experience a Christmas for Saoirse. We picked out some nice things for her, and I made sure to get a little Elmo doll in there. I felt like it was my Saoirse's way of reminding me that she is here, and that this time of year is all about giving. 

So today, I picked up my own giving tree tag. This one will go to a little girl at the Jimmy Fund - she wants an arts and craft set - I will be sure to pick out something very fun (and of course, throw a little Elmo in there for good measure). Remember to think of those kids who don't get to be home for Christmas and the holidays, and if you see a giving tree, take a moment to pick out a tag and add one more small gift to your list. It only takes a moment, but the memory for that child will last a lifetime. 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Giving Tuesday!

It's Giving Tuesday! In the wake of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, today is a day to give back to the community and remember what this season is truly about - GIVING! 

So choose your favorite charity or cause and donate a little or a lot or just your time. 

The Fitzgerald Cancer Fund is taking the funds collected today and using them to purchase gas gift cards for families with a child in treatment for neuroblastoma. Last year we raised $500, let's see if we can beat that this year! 

Thanks to everyone who has donated so far, and to those who will continue to donate. 

Another way to donate to kids with neuroblastoma is to take part in our 2nd Annual Arts and Artifacts Online Auction. There are some great items that you can purchase for your holiday gifts, and you can help the Fitzgerald Cancer Fund at the same time. Two birds with one stone! 

Thanks Everyone!