Monday, May 21, 2012

Signs Are Everywhere

Recently I've been feeling like Saoirse has been saying "Hi" a lot. Really, she's been doing it since she left us. I have decided I need to write down the events because I'm starting to forget some of them. Here is a list of the ones that have happened so far (as much as I can remember)

The Sunglasses:
Before one of our last trips to the hospital, I had lost my sunglasses. We were in the hospital so long, I kind of forgot about it. After Saoirse died, I kind of figured they were gone. A few weeks went by, and I didn't find them. Then, when we were cleaning up her toys one day, I opened her barn. I found a horse, a cow, and my sunglasses. It made me smile. Especially since when I thought about it, I remembered when she put them in there. At the time I had said to myself, "you better take those out, or you'll never remember they are in there." She must have remembered for me.

A Little Ziggy Marley:
As you all know, Saoirse was particularly drawn to reggae music (and for those of you that know us, you will know that that is so random as it is not something we listen to hardly ever). Our second morning in Ireland, we were greeted at breakfast with a little reggae - it was Ziggy Marley's family time album. A little strange of a pick for a youth hostel in Dublin, but I was glad she was with us, and hadn't stayed at home.

All the Pretty Little Horses:
A couple times in Ireland we encountered white horses. The week before Saoirse was diagnosed, we went to see the Big Apple Circus. She was super sick, and didn't really pay attention much. She even slept through some of it. But when the white horses came out in the ring she was hooked! She was dancing along, waving at them, making "come here" motions with her arms, conducting with the music. It was amazing to see her so happy for such a brief moment right then. She was like herself for the few minutes that the horses were there in front of her.
The first white horse we saw in Ireland was on Bere Island. It was in a pasture off the main road. We pulled up the car to take a picture, and it came right up to us. It was like he was posing for us, saying "I'm here, and I was waiting for you." We will be hanging one of these photos on the wall in Saoirse's room.
The second white horse we saw was in Connemara. We took a bus tour around the area, and one of the stops was to see a Connemara pony. He was white, and waited eagerly to get his apple snack. I got to feed him, and pet his nose. (He doesn't like men, so Mike was not as lucky.) I felt like he was particularly fond of me.

Music in the Air:
So, this is probably true for anyone lost, but music is sometimes really hard to listen to. For a long time Mike wouldn't let me turn the radio on in the car. There are songs that definitely evoke strong emotions and memories, and sometimes it's hard to listen to them. However, I feel like there are times when certain songs will come on, and it's just so perfectly timed. I feel like she's sending me messages. It's nice sometimes to feel like she's following me around, picking out a soundtrack for me.

Kids see things differently:
I see my mom friends about once a week (sometimes more!). I love seeing all the "babies" and how they are growing up. Sometimes it makes me sad that Saoirse didn't get to do all the cool new stuff, but usually I just love snuggling them up and chasing them around. Babies sense things better than adults. My friend Jess suggested that I pick out a doll or stuffed animal that can represent Saoirse in all the photos with the kids we take. That way she is always there. I loved the idea! I decided to use her Elmo doll, but wanted to represent Curious George too - her two faves! So I took George's shirt, and put it on Elmo, and bring it when I see the kids. My favorite moment so far is when Thomas picked up Elmo, gave him a smooch, and then gave him the biggest hug you could ever imagine. It was like he was hugging Saoirse. I feel like he knew it was hers, and was trying to tell her he missed her. Broke my heart, and made me feel good all at the same time.

Signs in Signs:
There have been a few times, especially in Chicago, where I have seen signage or art that make me think of Saoirse. It's kind of like she's talking to us. One sign we saw was in a noodle house in Chicago. We found this amazing Japanese noodle house 3 days before we moved out of Chicago. It was a mile from our apartment, and the most amazing noodle soup you have ever had! No Joke! We were so sad we took so long to find it. For five years I have been waiting to go back to that place! We finally go there (we though it might be gone), and had amazing lunch. On the wall was a big art piece. It was yellow and had white letters - it said, "You are my sunshine." I was ecstatic! I had my long lost noodles, and Saoirse was there with me! I took a photo of my pendant, and the owner wondered what it was. I told him the story. He was moved. He then pointed me to the SECOND you are my sunshine poster, that had more of the words! So amazing!
We also went hiking at starved rock state park while we were there. There is a ravine that people walk into and climb around in. The walls are soft rock, and there are tons of names carved into them. We didn't have anything to really carve with, but Mike managed to scratch Saoirse's name in the rock. Right next to where he carved it said "DAD" in big, deep letters. He said hi to her, she said hi back.

While we were in Austin for a NB conference (more to come on that soon!), we spent some time wandering around the city. Austin is the music capitol of the world, so we saw a lot of bands playing in bars and restaurants. On Thursday night we were waiting to meet up with friends - we were trying to find somewhere to wait. As we were walking on 6th St, we went by the irish pub. I had to stop. There was a woman, playing a harp, singing the blues!!!! It was amazing. That's where we stopped. She did a whole variety of music - blues, pop, oldies, soul. Then she came up with one I thought I would never hear on a harp - reggae! Yup - she played a little Bob Marley for us. It was awesome. A harp, in an irish pub in texas, playing reggae. Saoirse had to have a hand in that one. We told the harpist about Saoirse, and how much she used to love the harp music at the hospital, and she agreed to try and come up with a song for her. We can't wait!

There are more. I'll try and keep putting them up as I remember/think of them. I love that she keeps me on my toes - she always did. Hopefully others can see her sometimes too.


  1. I have been reading your blog for a long time and the moment never seemed right. So I'm jumping in randomly with this.

    How do you pronounce Saoirse? I suspect it is beautiful but I've never heard it before.


    1. it's Seer (like sear a steak, or sears without the "s" on the end) and then sha (short "a" like ha ha) :)

    2. That's beautiful. Thank you.

  2. I am crying Kezia. I was just telling my daughter yesterday as we were eating dinner and I could see my rocking chair on the deck start rocking that every time that happens I feel peaceful, like my brother is telling me it will be okay and to slow down a bit. And that he's with me. Never told anyone that before...people don't understand. Its a good, albeit bitter-sweet, feeling. I'm so glad you are writing these down now. Time passes so quickly and the memory is only what it is...

  3. Thank you for sharing her. I am humbled and impressed by how you continue to LIVE and see beauty.

  4. So awesome, I feel many convincing moments from Alexa, telling me she is here. It shows that love never dies, never fades and continues to grow each day.

  5. So beautiful. She is there with you. I lost my dad last September and the only dreams I've had with him in them, he was sick (Alzheimer's). It made me sad that I hadn't had him in my dreams being, well, not sick. But all of a sudden, at random times, he pops into my head. I finally realized that was him, just reminding me that he's still around. I wish you had Saoirse back, just like I wish I had my dad, but she's reminding you that she's still around.

  6. So beautiful. Keep sharing, Kezia!

  7. Wow! Yes, I believe those are signs she left for you two to tell you she is still with you all, no matter what. Thanks for sharing those with us.

  8. What a wonderful post! You're beautiful Saoirse is all over! :)

  9. This one made me cry, Kez. I'm happy you can feel her with you - how beautiful and special. Great idea to get it down so you don't forget anything.

  10. It's great that you are seeing the signs! She really is there with you wherever you go, and she always will be. If you close your eyes, calm your mind, and focus on her name, you might even be able to talk to her in your mind! All you have to do is clear everything from your mind (except for Saoirse of course), and listen... :)