Friday, November 11, 2011

Now What.....

Saoirse had a CT today. The results are not good. She has new lesions on her skull and her large tumor at the back of her head has grown. I am not sure where things go from here. We are still going to NY next week for further tests. We should know more Monday. Today is the first day I thought about the reality that she might die. The first day I let myself see the reality of her disease. Today I feel helpless, hopeless, and humbled. Today I have no answers - just questions, what ifs and uncertainty. Today I am weak, but she is strong - she makes me keep going. All I need is her smile. 
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51 comments:

  1. The Pitter Pat BoutiqueNovember 11, 2011 at 9:12 PM

    HUGS. Continued thoughts and prayers for both of you to beat cancer.

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  2. AnonymousNovember 11, 2011 at 9:21 PM

    My heart is aching for you tonight. That you admit to and talk about your pain and fear for your child is not weakness. It is one of your great strengths. Your greatest strength is your absolute love for your child. I've read your blog ever since I discovered it when trying to follow up on the CNN report. Your love for her flows through your fingers into every word you write. Please remember you are not alone. You and your little one are in my prayers every night. God is with you.

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  3. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 6:40 AM

    Tears.

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  4. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 7:11 AM

    The New York Metro region stands at the ready..parking, hot meals, and endless prayers. With Love, Carla Davidoff

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  5. EmileeNovember 12, 2011 at 7:35 AM

    Praying for her every day.

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  6. Lauren G.November 12, 2011 at 7:53 AM

    Kezia, your posts are so beautiful. Your love for Saoirse is such a powerful force--and of course this news would open the doors of scary thoughts. I'm so sorry you have to live with so many unknowns with your precious child. Remember always, there are thousands of us out here thinking about your family every day.

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  7. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 9:16 AM

    Allow yourself a weak moment...it's ok...you're her mama. But in the end you will be strong when you need to be. Prayers and more prayers.

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  8. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    I admit I cried when I read your post and know how scary this all must be for your family. I continue to pray for you and your family...she is such a beautiful girl and you are a wonderful mother. I pray that God will give you strength to deal with whatever happens and pray for her continued healing all at the same time. I happened to find your blog after the CNN story and have been following it every since. I know that there are hundreds of people across this country praying for you and your family every day and hope that it gives you comfort to know that you are not alone.

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  9. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    All we ever have is today, right now. Because of all this you are able to cut through all that doesn't matter and see your beloved child for all she really is-pure love.

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  10. esther m.November 12, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    I am so sorry to hear Kezia. Your family is in my thoughts, wish I could take your pain away.

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  11. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 10:34 AM

    GOD please I know you can hear us, PLEASE give this angel an opportunity to have a normal life, to LIVE, to know what is like, to keep smiling, GOD PLEASE!

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  12. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 10:52 AM

    May God decide for what´s best for you two. Admitting your weekness and your pain shows that you´re really a strong woman and mother. God bless you two.

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  13. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    Your family is in my thoughts every day.
    Praying for you and Saoirse every day.
    Hugs from Brazil!

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  14. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 11:09 AM

    There is always a day after night. I am sure you will get good news tomorrow. Miracles happen every day. Please let us know if you need any kind of help for you or your baby or your family. Whatever I can do, I will definitely do.

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  15. SweetiePunk Pendants & PhotosNovember 12, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    I am so sorry about the results. Never give up hope. Never. God bless you and your precious baby girl. Stay strong. She needs you now.

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  16. HollyNovember 12, 2011 at 12:02 PM

    Good bless you and your family. Ya'll are in my prayers.

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  17. KatieNovember 12, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    Tears. Tears. Tears. Praying and praying and praying. Sending our love to you. -The Chase Family, Portland, OR

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  18. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 12:36 PM

    It's ok to be weak sometimes... You have so much going on.

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  19. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 1:00 PM

    Praying for your family

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  20. Amanda H.November 12, 2011 at 1:01 PM

    Thank you for sharing your life with us. You have shown us what it means to be a strong person. Reading about your beautiful family reminds me all of the time to love on my baby so much more and to not take things for granted. Thank you for that.

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  21. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 1:56 PM

    I want those lesions to go away as much as I have ever wanted anything.

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  22. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    Praying that God will hold you and your beautiful baby in his arms, touch and comfort you.
    Love and prayers from Oregon.

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  23. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 4:46 PM

    Please do not loose hope,I am sure things will turn out fr better.Please be the same strength of pillar that you have been so far for saoirse.

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  24. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 4:51 PM

    No, you are not weak...you are human and a mother...you are trying to be hopeful but also must deal with the "what ifs". You must take her beautiful smile and reflect it back to her, to stay strong and to fight. Take one day, one hour at a time. It's awful what you've had to deal with in the hospital...should never happen. But you are making your voice heard, they need to know you expect MUCH better. NO parent should have to go through this. My heart is so sad tonight as I read your blog. I continue to pray daily for healing and strength for you all. Thank you for writing these blogs. This is therapy in itself and allows us to hold you all in our hearts and prayers. In some small way perhaps we can all shoulder some of your pain. Trust in the Lord.

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  25. LauraNovember 12, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    In my thoughts...so sorry for everything you are dealing with

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  26. AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 6:15 PM

    So sorry to hear this news. Please know you both are in the hearts and prayers if so many people and you will get through this. She is so lucky to have such a strong, smart mother!! We are inspired by your strength and love for yourvdaughter. Much love xoxo

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  27. SusanNovember 12, 2011 at 7:08 PM

    Praying for you all!!! So sad that you have to go through this! Can't imagine...You are in my thoughts constantly.

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  28. CamilaNovember 12, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    I can only imagine how scared you are right now. I havea baby girl too, she`s 15 months and I can`t even imagine how it would be if I were in your place.
    I`ll keep you and your in my prayers!
    HUGS

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  29. AnonymousNovember 13, 2011 at 5:28 AM

    praying for your family, you are always in my thoughts and i am so inspired by your strength

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  30. AnonymousNovember 13, 2011 at 5:55 AM

    Please never feel that you are alone. For everyone that had began this battle, we understand your feelings, and I just want to share a sense of compassion to give you the strength that you need right now to get through this. It's difficult to hide how scared you are from your daughter, but trust me when I say that is where you are going to find your strength...from your beautiful daughter. Stay just as strong as she is and together you will get through each day, a day at a time. Focus on today, not the future. I know this has knocked you for a loop, but get right back up and kick it with all you have! I have witnessed strength in parents that you would not believe. You are stong even though right now you don't believe that you are. Your 1st step was your posting how you feel, and your prayers will be answered in finding the friends and support that you need to get through this difficult time. Stay stong. I will pray for you and your daughter! Debbie

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  31. AnonymousNovember 13, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    prayers and hugs for you and your precious daughter.

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  32. AnonymousNovember 13, 2011 at 10:06 AM

    It is okay to feel hopeless, helpless and absolutely devastated! We are only humans! But also never lose hope! We are here with you and all our prayers are with you!

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  33. quantakiranNovember 13, 2011 at 10:26 AM

    I wish you and your family love, hope and courage!

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  34. AnonymousNovember 13, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    Praying for answers and complete healing.

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  35. KavsNovember 13, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    Prayers and healing thoughts are being sent your way by 100's of people. You are not alone and you never will be.

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  36. AnonymousNovember 13, 2011 at 8:55 PM

    Prayers of love and healing, comfort for you, baby girl, and the future. With love.

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  37. rosemary rannesNovember 13, 2011 at 10:24 PM

    Kezia my family and I are praying for you and your most precious daughter Saoirse to be Blessed with healing, renewal and strength.
    We send you both our love and Light.

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  38. LoriNovember 14, 2011 at 1:43 PM

    SO many prayers and thoughts are going out to you and your family and precious little Saoirse. My prayers for you are for peace and strength as you face whatever you will be facing, and that your little girl WILL be healed. Please know you are not alone in your battle and there are so many of us lifting you and your family up in prayer.

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  39. AnonymousNovember 14, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    My heart aches for you, and tears are in my eyes. I am speechless and send all warm thoughts and prayers to you. I cannot even imagine what you are going through.

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  40. KristyNovember 14, 2011 at 3:13 PM

    Saoirse is in my heart tonight. God bless you all.

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  41. PriyaNovember 14, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    My heart broke when I read your update. I cannot stop thinking about Saoirse and your family. So sorry you are going through such a difficult time. My prayers are with you all. I pray for Saoirse's healing.

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  42. AnonymousNovember 15, 2011 at 6:08 AM

    I can't even imagine your pain.... My thoughts are prayers go out to you and your whole family. Love to Saoirse.

    -Praying for a miracle here in NYC

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  43. AnonymousNovember 15, 2011 at 8:19 AM

    Don't give up hope. Praying for you and your family all the way from Toronto Canada---- Sarah.

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  44. AnonymousNovember 15, 2011 at 9:14 AM

    Praying for you in Mi

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  45. AnonymousNovember 15, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    praying for you in ohio

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  46. Camila GuerreroNovember 15, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    Praying for you in Brazil... stay strong =)

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  47. AnonymousNovember 15, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    Continuously praying for your family in Washington State!

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  48. Jenn GallibrightNovember 15, 2011 at 1:52 PM

    I'm not normally a person who prays, but I am praying for your family every day.

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  49. PatriciaNovember 16, 2011 at 7:10 AM

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  50. karenNovember 16, 2011 at 12:00 PM

    Please, don't loose your hope, I know the size of the force of mothers, and we are all praying for your family.

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  51. soyoungi blogNovember 16, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    I am so sorry to hear about the result of new CT scan.. I don't know what to say. please don't give up!!! She is precious child from god and we cannot give up on her. She is here for reason and we all are here for her... Please keep the faith up! My heart is crashing with love and sadness but I am going to pray gad that he will heal her soon!!!!

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