Week 3 went by without major event. Lochlan turned 9 months (I can't believe it), and cut another tooth. Up to 4 now! I went to see my oncologist, and she is happy with where I am. She trusts that I will call her if anything changes. The node in my neck is the same. My night sweats have decreased in frequency and severity, and my weight has remained stable (no gain, but no loss!). These are all good signs (I was loosing half to one pound per week in the 2 months before I started treatment). I'm sleeping well, have more energy, and have been feeling less "out of it." I'm glad that at least I'm sleeping better, as sleep deprivation really wears on me.
I also decided to attend a Tong Ren healing anti-cancer class in Haverhill this weekend. Tong Ren is an energy based healing derived from eastern medicine theories and the principal of the collective unconscious. It's fascinating, and while I can't explain it myself, I was pleased to attend and hear a true explanation from one of the practitioners. I am excited to continue to learn more about it and attend the classes and experience some of the other healing modalities that are part of the Tom Tam healing system. Tui Na is one that I'm particularly interested in, and hoping to experience before we start traveling in May.
It's been sort of a tough time recently emotionally. I so much want to be positive and have positive energy in me all the time, but my anger and frustrations take over so easily. I find myself blowing up and loosing my patience quickly. Little things can ruin my morning, afternoon or even my day. It seems to never be anything predictable (other than when Lochlan decides he doesn't want to nap), and it is mostly just a culmination of lots of little things and just one too many to handle. I'm hoping that I can do some acupuncture, Tui Na, yoga and more healing in the next couple weeks. More walking in the fresh spring air should help too.
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Monday, April 28, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Week 1
I just finished the first week of my therapy. I started last Friday, and so far so good. It's a little strange - not feeling bad or being in the hospital to get cancer treatment. I have a little water bottle, and it has in marker written on it - "Kezia's medicine. Do Not Touch!"
I just started my second week yesterday, and switched to my second remedy. Odd number weeks (1,3 etc) I take Hekla Lava. Even number weeks (2,4 etc) I take Carcinosin.
I have an oncology appointment in two weeks and will be scheduling blood work and the next set of scans which will happen in the 2nd or 3rd month of the treatment.
Next up is to schedule some chiropractic and acupuncture. And it's getting into smoothie season!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Halloween....
By the time kids are 3, they have opinions on what they want to be for Halloween. I wonder what Saoirse would have wanted to be. A super hero, a princess, a fire truck, a train? She could have been anything she wanted. 3 is the perfect age to be anything you want. If only she could have been 3.
When you are bald and it's halloween, the best costume is Uncle Fester.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Missing....
I often find myself missing having two kids. It seems to be getting more and more frequent that I look down at my baby boy playing on the floor and miss that there is not a 3 year old entertaining him. It's been making it hard for me to play with him myself. I shouldn't be the one entertaining him - it should be Saoirse. She should be shaking the toy while I do the dishes. She should be showing him how to hammer the toys, while I do a load of diapers. She should be reading him a book, while I clean the dining room. He's missing it - all of it.
We went to Russell Orchards to get cider doughnuts and take pictures with pumpkins. (We used to take Saoirse to Smolak's, but we just can't go back yet.) I wanted a picture of Lochlan in a bucket of pumpkins, just like we had done with Saoirse both halloween seasons. I brought her little hat that she had worn in the first one (I spared putting him in her same outfit). I went to put him in a nice big bucket - and promptly go yelled at. Apparently pumpkins roll - and I shouldn't be putting a baby where pumpkins might roll and crush him (like I was going to just leave him there for a while). I wanted to walk up to that man and ask him if he understood that my baby girl could never sit in another bucket of pumpkins. That she could never hold her brother in her lap and take a picture in the pumpkin patch. That the world is full of risk, and sitting in a bucket of pumpkins is the least of my worries for him. But I didn't. He didn't need that from me. I just took Lochlan to a different bucket and did it anyway.
I will put him in her pea pod costume and parade him down the street on halloween. I will put the photos of him next to the photos of her and see if they look the same - even though she was almost 2 months older at halloween, and he is just huge. I will do the things that I would have done if she was still here with us. But I will do it all while utterly missing her actually being here. And knowing that I only have 18 months of comparisons before there are no more side by sides. And when that day arrives, there will just be one picture going forward.
We went to Russell Orchards to get cider doughnuts and take pictures with pumpkins. (We used to take Saoirse to Smolak's, but we just can't go back yet.) I wanted a picture of Lochlan in a bucket of pumpkins, just like we had done with Saoirse both halloween seasons. I brought her little hat that she had worn in the first one (I spared putting him in her same outfit). I went to put him in a nice big bucket - and promptly go yelled at. Apparently pumpkins roll - and I shouldn't be putting a baby where pumpkins might roll and crush him (like I was going to just leave him there for a while). I wanted to walk up to that man and ask him if he understood that my baby girl could never sit in another bucket of pumpkins. That she could never hold her brother in her lap and take a picture in the pumpkin patch. That the world is full of risk, and sitting in a bucket of pumpkins is the least of my worries for him. But I didn't. He didn't need that from me. I just took Lochlan to a different bucket and did it anyway.
I will put him in her pea pod costume and parade him down the street on halloween. I will put the photos of him next to the photos of her and see if they look the same - even though she was almost 2 months older at halloween, and he is just huge. I will do the things that I would have done if she was still here with us. But I will do it all while utterly missing her actually being here. And knowing that I only have 18 months of comparisons before there are no more side by sides. And when that day arrives, there will just be one picture going forward.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Mother's Day...
Mother's Day.....
It's a day set aside each year to show your appreciation to your mom and celebrate those who are mothers. I remember being a kid and going to crafts in the park, picking out a gift for my mum, and wrapping it up knowing she would love what I found for her. I'm pretty sure that for the most part they were all things she didn't need and just took up space, but she always kept them (the only one I remember her using was the pocket tissue holder that lingered in her purse until I was at least in high school). I think to her, it was the fact that we went out and chose it on our own that made her smile. My poor mother has gotten her fair share of strange, non-usefull gifts from me and my sister over the years, and unfortunately she is a packrat, so I'm pretty sure they are all still somewhere in her house.
For those of us who have lost our children, mother's day is usually a dreaded day as it approaches. It's a difficult concept to grasp - do we celebrate our motherhood, or do we reject the made up holiday and steer clear of the cards and restaurant carnations? I know people on both sides, and I can't fault either one. Emotions are nasty bitches sometimes, and no one should be told how to feel.
So far I haven't had any luck with mother's day. My first pregnant mother's day, I was due just 3 weeks later, and I was tired, cranky, uncomfortable, bloated and pissy. Pretty standard for 8 and a half months pregnant. My second mother's day was spent in children's hospital. Saoirse had been diagnosed just 3 days prior, and we were doing her first round of chemo. I spent the whole day with her, holding and cuddling her, playing with her and focusing on making her healthy again. It may not have been my ideal thought of what mother's day should be, but in reality, it was probably one of the best mother's days I'll have. I got to focus just on Saoirse - the little girl that made me a mum - and nothing was expected of me other than that. Last year, she was gone. I didn't feel like a mum. I felt like a failure. I had been unable to save her; unable to make her better; unable to give her the childhood she so deserved. Cancer had stolen my baby, stolen my motherhood, stolen my mother's day. I felt defeated.
This year I feel a little different. Of course, I still hate cancer for what it did to my family - for tearing my Saoirse away from me and leaving a hole in my heart and my life. But I am still a mum. I was a mum starting the day I knew Saoirse was growing inside me. I was stuck with the title, and there was nothing I could do to loose it. From that moment on, she always came first, and that hasn't changed at all today. She is my first thought in the morning, and my last at night. She is my focus each day, and she keeps me running.
And now there's a feisty little man awaiting his summer birthday. (Luckily, I'm not 8 1/2 months pregnant, only 6 1/2 so I'm not miserable (yet)). His acrobatics remind me that he's growing strong, and that he will soon take over my time and energy. He will be my living child; the one that others "see" as making me a mum; my outward/public sign of motherhood. And he will be all those things, but Saoirse will still be the one who made me a mother. For it was she that changed my life and transformed me from a woman to a mum - a lifetime commitment, a lifetime dedication, a lifetime joy.
It's a day set aside each year to show your appreciation to your mom and celebrate those who are mothers. I remember being a kid and going to crafts in the park, picking out a gift for my mum, and wrapping it up knowing she would love what I found for her. I'm pretty sure that for the most part they were all things she didn't need and just took up space, but she always kept them (the only one I remember her using was the pocket tissue holder that lingered in her purse until I was at least in high school). I think to her, it was the fact that we went out and chose it on our own that made her smile. My poor mother has gotten her fair share of strange, non-usefull gifts from me and my sister over the years, and unfortunately she is a packrat, so I'm pretty sure they are all still somewhere in her house.
For those of us who have lost our children, mother's day is usually a dreaded day as it approaches. It's a difficult concept to grasp - do we celebrate our motherhood, or do we reject the made up holiday and steer clear of the cards and restaurant carnations? I know people on both sides, and I can't fault either one. Emotions are nasty bitches sometimes, and no one should be told how to feel.
So far I haven't had any luck with mother's day. My first pregnant mother's day, I was due just 3 weeks later, and I was tired, cranky, uncomfortable, bloated and pissy. Pretty standard for 8 and a half months pregnant. My second mother's day was spent in children's hospital. Saoirse had been diagnosed just 3 days prior, and we were doing her first round of chemo. I spent the whole day with her, holding and cuddling her, playing with her and focusing on making her healthy again. It may not have been my ideal thought of what mother's day should be, but in reality, it was probably one of the best mother's days I'll have. I got to focus just on Saoirse - the little girl that made me a mum - and nothing was expected of me other than that. Last year, she was gone. I didn't feel like a mum. I felt like a failure. I had been unable to save her; unable to make her better; unable to give her the childhood she so deserved. Cancer had stolen my baby, stolen my motherhood, stolen my mother's day. I felt defeated.
This year I feel a little different. Of course, I still hate cancer for what it did to my family - for tearing my Saoirse away from me and leaving a hole in my heart and my life. But I am still a mum. I was a mum starting the day I knew Saoirse was growing inside me. I was stuck with the title, and there was nothing I could do to loose it. From that moment on, she always came first, and that hasn't changed at all today. She is my first thought in the morning, and my last at night. She is my focus each day, and she keeps me running.
And now there's a feisty little man awaiting his summer birthday. (Luckily, I'm not 8 1/2 months pregnant, only 6 1/2 so I'm not miserable (yet)). His acrobatics remind me that he's growing strong, and that he will soon take over my time and energy. He will be my living child; the one that others "see" as making me a mum; my outward/public sign of motherhood. And he will be all those things, but Saoirse will still be the one who made me a mother. For it was she that changed my life and transformed me from a woman to a mum - a lifetime commitment, a lifetime dedication, a lifetime joy.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
World Breastfeeding Week!
In honor of world breastfeeding week (August 1-7), I wanted to share my nursing story.
Saoirse was a "planned" baby. I knew I wanted to have a child, and the timing seemed right. I also knew I wanted to breastfeed. There was no "back up plan." I have heard of other moms-to-be asking people about what formula to have no hand "just in case." There was no "just in case" for me - breastfeeding was my only option.
We planned an unmedicated birth in a birth center with midwives. I hated hospitals - they made me nauseous. We took Bradley Method birthing classes, and prepared to have a natural, husband coached, birth. I had a very healthy pregnancy, and went into labor just 3 days before Saoirse was "due." My water broke early, so the midwife took me over to the hospital to take a peek by ultrasound. That's when we found out - Saoirse was Frank Breech (feet up by her head, butt down - folded in half). I went in for an immediate (although not emergent) C-section. I was overwhelmingly disappointed. My one request - that I be allowed to nurse her as soon as possible once she was out. I was granted that wish.
The surgery went without a hitch. She came out, happy and healthy and smiling (they had to poke her to make her cry). Mike went to the nursery to have them weigh and measure her, and then they met us in recovery - yup, they brought her to recovery so I could nurse her! I have to give my midwife the credit for this one, as I'm pretty sure she just overruled any of the other nurses she ran into. The recovery nurse told me I must be special. She was hungry, and she latched right on. She stayed in the room with us, and I nursed her on demand. I was happy to be able to feed my baby.
It wasn't all sunshine and daisies. Saoirse was "diagnosed" with a milk sensitivity when she was 2 weeks old, and I stopped eating dairy. We were told she would eventually grow out of it, so I wasn't concerned. She nursed a lot, and I didn't sleep much, but eventually she went to sleeping through the night. She turned into a "schedule" baby, and nursed when she woke up in the morning and after naps, and once more before bed. It worked well for us. She was happy to nurse, but wasn't "attached" to the boob, and Mike, or my family members, could feed her pumped milk from a bottle when I wasn't home.
Then came my diagnosis. After months of testing, days of pumping and dumping, and high anxieties, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's, and I was facing chemotherapy.
My first question to my oncologist was, "how long can I hold off so I can keep nursing Saoirse?" Yup - I was concerned about what my child would eat first. That's just how it goes when you're a mom. Based on my stage, I was discouraged from waiting, and was given no option for nursing through treatment. This is my biggest hangup. I wish that I had pushed for more support, whether through alternative treatment options that would have allowed me to nurse, or through pumping and dumping while the chemo was in my system. Sadly, I didn't get this. So I weaned Saoirse in a week, which was much harder on me than it was on her. She switched to a homemade formula by bottle, and was perfectly ok with it. I, was stuck starting chemo and being engorged all at the same time. I was completely defeated.
I remember being at a restaurant shortly after I started treatment, and going into the bathroom to warm one of Saoirse's bottles. A woman was in there and without thinking about it she said to me, "That's why my daughter always nursed her kids, so she wouldn't have to deal with bottles." Surprisingly I came back at her quite well - "Well, I nursed until I started chemo." I said to her. She shut right up.
To those who have been lucky enough to push for what they wanted, and kept nursing longer than what is socially accepted in this country, I envy you. I can only hope that I will get my chance again - hopefully, sooner rather than later.
Happy World Breastfeeding Week everyone. Nurse with pride, today and every day, knowing that you are doing the best you can for your child(ren).
Saoirse was a "planned" baby. I knew I wanted to have a child, and the timing seemed right. I also knew I wanted to breastfeed. There was no "back up plan." I have heard of other moms-to-be asking people about what formula to have no hand "just in case." There was no "just in case" for me - breastfeeding was my only option.
We planned an unmedicated birth in a birth center with midwives. I hated hospitals - they made me nauseous. We took Bradley Method birthing classes, and prepared to have a natural, husband coached, birth. I had a very healthy pregnancy, and went into labor just 3 days before Saoirse was "due." My water broke early, so the midwife took me over to the hospital to take a peek by ultrasound. That's when we found out - Saoirse was Frank Breech (feet up by her head, butt down - folded in half). I went in for an immediate (although not emergent) C-section. I was overwhelmingly disappointed. My one request - that I be allowed to nurse her as soon as possible once she was out. I was granted that wish.
The surgery went without a hitch. She came out, happy and healthy and smiling (they had to poke her to make her cry). Mike went to the nursery to have them weigh and measure her, and then they met us in recovery - yup, they brought her to recovery so I could nurse her! I have to give my midwife the credit for this one, as I'm pretty sure she just overruled any of the other nurses she ran into. The recovery nurse told me I must be special. She was hungry, and she latched right on. She stayed in the room with us, and I nursed her on demand. I was happy to be able to feed my baby.
It wasn't all sunshine and daisies. Saoirse was "diagnosed" with a milk sensitivity when she was 2 weeks old, and I stopped eating dairy. We were told she would eventually grow out of it, so I wasn't concerned. She nursed a lot, and I didn't sleep much, but eventually she went to sleeping through the night. She turned into a "schedule" baby, and nursed when she woke up in the morning and after naps, and once more before bed. It worked well for us. She was happy to nurse, but wasn't "attached" to the boob, and Mike, or my family members, could feed her pumped milk from a bottle when I wasn't home.
Then came my diagnosis. After months of testing, days of pumping and dumping, and high anxieties, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's, and I was facing chemotherapy.
My first question to my oncologist was, "how long can I hold off so I can keep nursing Saoirse?" Yup - I was concerned about what my child would eat first. That's just how it goes when you're a mom. Based on my stage, I was discouraged from waiting, and was given no option for nursing through treatment. This is my biggest hangup. I wish that I had pushed for more support, whether through alternative treatment options that would have allowed me to nurse, or through pumping and dumping while the chemo was in my system. Sadly, I didn't get this. So I weaned Saoirse in a week, which was much harder on me than it was on her. She switched to a homemade formula by bottle, and was perfectly ok with it. I, was stuck starting chemo and being engorged all at the same time. I was completely defeated.
I remember being at a restaurant shortly after I started treatment, and going into the bathroom to warm one of Saoirse's bottles. A woman was in there and without thinking about it she said to me, "That's why my daughter always nursed her kids, so she wouldn't have to deal with bottles." Surprisingly I came back at her quite well - "Well, I nursed until I started chemo." I said to her. She shut right up.
To those who have been lucky enough to push for what they wanted, and kept nursing longer than what is socially accepted in this country, I envy you. I can only hope that I will get my chance again - hopefully, sooner rather than later.
Happy World Breastfeeding Week everyone. Nurse with pride, today and every day, knowing that you are doing the best you can for your child(ren).
(PS: once we found out that Saoirse had cancer, I always said I should have kept nursing her so she could have gotten a jump start on chemo. :) )
Saturday, June 9, 2012
The Positives of ...... Chemo?
Today we celebrated Saoirse with great family and friends. It was a beautiful day, and it was great to see good friends, eat good food, and watch the kids play and laugh and swing and blow bubbles! Today was a good day.
I got into a conversation about the positive side effects that I have had with chemo. For all the negative that chemo does, especially to your body and your insides, there are a few choice things that are "benefits" from being injected with toxic chemicals.
1. Chemo Cures Psoriasis
I think you guys read about this before on my other post. (update - as that immune system comes back, the psoriasis does too, but mine isn't as bad...yet)
2. Chemo (and cancer) is the Fastest Weight Loss Plan Ever!
I would not recommend this, but it is highly effective. (Having a child with cancer, however, is the exact opposite!)
3. Chemo Abolishes Allergies and Asthma
I have not had an allergy symptom since coming off chemo. I have also not had to use my maintenance medication or rescue medication for my asthma. Go figure.
4. Chemo Curls Hair
Yup - best perm ever! When that hair comes back, it comes in thick, curly and fabulous! It's great to have hair again, and even better that it comes in with it's own new style. It's like a mini makeover!
Yup, a lot of women pay big bucks to have these things. I suppose I paid big bucks too, but at least mine was covered by insurance :) Wanna see the hair? Here it is!
I got into a conversation about the positive side effects that I have had with chemo. For all the negative that chemo does, especially to your body and your insides, there are a few choice things that are "benefits" from being injected with toxic chemicals.
1. Chemo Cures Psoriasis
I think you guys read about this before on my other post. (update - as that immune system comes back, the psoriasis does too, but mine isn't as bad...yet)
2. Chemo (and cancer) is the Fastest Weight Loss Plan Ever!
I would not recommend this, but it is highly effective. (Having a child with cancer, however, is the exact opposite!)
3. Chemo Abolishes Allergies and Asthma
I have not had an allergy symptom since coming off chemo. I have also not had to use my maintenance medication or rescue medication for my asthma. Go figure.
4. Chemo Curls Hair
Yup - best perm ever! When that hair comes back, it comes in thick, curly and fabulous! It's great to have hair again, and even better that it comes in with it's own new style. It's like a mini makeover!
Yup, a lot of women pay big bucks to have these things. I suppose I paid big bucks too, but at least mine was covered by insurance :) Wanna see the hair? Here it is!
(it was purple for the buzz off)
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
So far, Mother's day has not won any major awards in my book as a mum. My first "mother's" day, I was eight and a half months pregnant, my back hurt, my ankles were swollen, and I hadn't slept well in about two weeks. Needless to say, I was looking forward to the next one.
Last year, my first real mother's day, I was locked in a hospital room. I had just found out my little baby girl, the one who made me a mom, had cancer. While I was thankful I knew what was wrong with her, and that she was feeling better after just one day of treatment, it was not what I had envisioned for my first mother's day.
Which brings us to today. The year when I should have had a good day, a real mother's day. Instead I am left looking at photos of my daughter, and snuggling with her stuffed animals. She didn't get to make me a card with her daddy, and go with him to pick something out for me. She didn't get to let me sleep in and bring me breakfast in bed. Instead I was robbed of my baby. The only one who I got to love and take care of longer than anyone else. The only one who called me mamma.
Cancer stole my mother's day. Cancer SUCKS!
Last year, my first real mother's day, I was locked in a hospital room. I had just found out my little baby girl, the one who made me a mom, had cancer. While I was thankful I knew what was wrong with her, and that she was feeling better after just one day of treatment, it was not what I had envisioned for my first mother's day.
Which brings us to today. The year when I should have had a good day, a real mother's day. Instead I am left looking at photos of my daughter, and snuggling with her stuffed animals. She didn't get to make me a card with her daddy, and go with him to pick something out for me. She didn't get to let me sleep in and bring me breakfast in bed. Instead I was robbed of my baby. The only one who I got to love and take care of longer than anyone else. The only one who called me mamma.
Cancer stole my mother's day. Cancer SUCKS!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Poem
So, as I was laying in bed the other night, trying to fall asleep, I thought I would sing my self a little lullaby. Well, I didn't want to sing any of the ones I sang to Saoirse (after all, I was trying to fall asleep, not make my mind go crazy), and I couldn't think of any others. So I decided to recite a poem instead. I remembered one from when I was little - "Now I lay me down to sleep..." and decided that was a good one to go with. Now, we're not really religious at all, in fact I was raised Unitarian Universalist, but I think all little ones know this and recite it at some point, so I remembered it pretty well. Once I ran it through my head a couple times, I started adding verses. They were pretty good, so I figured I'd write them down. So I'll share my little poem here, and you can all use it to fall asleep tonight. It worked for me.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take
But if I should awake the morn
I pray my soul to be reborn
For I have known such sorrow deep
I know not how my soul will keep
And must I rise again next day
My heart just wants to slip away
I can not go for is my fate
To stay behind and contemplate
I wake again and thank the sun
For I have the first battle won
And now my journey I must meet
To make my heart and soul complete
I'll keep you close as I draw near
While pushing through the fateful fear
Thinking of that tragic day
When quietly you slipped away
I may be here without you now
Forced to face the why and how
But when I feel we are apart
I know that you still have my heart.
Monday, April 23, 2012
New Me....
New Me Resolutions:
Eat Better, and CLEAN
Detox
Drink More Water - and better water
Exercise More
Walk Every Day
Move More, Sit Less
Do something Adventurous EVERY day
Read More
Create Lots
Help People
CURE CANCER
Eat Better, and CLEAN
Detox
Drink More Water - and better water
Exercise More
Walk Every Day
Move More, Sit Less
Do something Adventurous EVERY day
Read More
Create Lots
Help People
CURE CANCER
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Kisses
Saoirse loved giving kisses! I loved it when she started giving real kisses. It was always fun to see her entertain herself in the camera. This time she could see herself, and she was trying to kiss me in the camera, I think. Either that, or she thought she was just so cute she should give herself kisses :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)