Growing Up

I find myself questioning why it is that we are always so eager to see our babies grow up. To do the next thing, to learn the next skill, to gain the next pound. It seems like there is always a milestone waiting in the distance to be achieved, and when it is, there is another. 

As I have wrestled these past few days with trying to get my baby to sleep without me holding him - and desperately trying to break the swaddle - I began to think and wonder why I'm working so hard to push him to that next stage. 

As each day passes he gets heavier and heavier. Holding him all swaddled up and straight is a strain on my back, and he just seems to scream and scream until he finally falls asleep, only to be jarred awake when I put him down. I try so hard to get him to nap so I can get something done - work on event planning, proof read a contract, design a poster, update a website. Running a business and a foundation and being a full time mom is more jobs than one person really can do in 24 hours a day. 

But as I sit here, thinking about night wakings and schedules, errands and meetings, I start to think about how I said I would just put him in the carrier and go about my business. And I think about those days that I did just that and how much happier he had been, and how much better he had slept, and how he barely even fussed. Why am I fighting something that so obviously he needs - just to be with me. 

He just needs me. 

We are so focused on the next - we need to be focused on the now. 

It all brings me back to Saoirse. Now, she was a champion sleeper - through the night at 10 weeks, 12-13 hours a night at 4 months. She took naps when she was supposed to, she slept without being swaddled, she fell asleep on her own. But then there was the hospital - and then coming home from the hospital, and crying in her crib and me not wanting to rush to her side because I wanted her to learn to fall asleep on her own again. And now, all I think of now is how I would give anything to have her crying for me to come snuggle her to sleep, to tell her that everything is ok, and to stroke her head and sing to her. 

And I have the chance to be that for Lochlan. To just hold him, and snuggle him, and stroke his head and sing to him. It's hard to remember that there is no going back to that - there is no rewind when he is 15 and never wants me in his room. That this time when he needs me for everything is so fleeting and so precious, and should be cherished and enjoyed. 

Tomorrow he will be with me. Tomorrow I will just think about the moments, and not about the tomorrows. 

Today

Today has proven to be a trying day. Emotions off the hook. Frustrations high. Anger manifesting. Tears flowing. Mind reeling. No peace at all. This time of year is trying as it is, but this year seems to be taking its toll earlier and more intensely than I remember from last year. Two days of bereavement events probably didn't make it easier. I feel like life has built up this wall of busyness; of things that have to be done; of not having time to deal with feelings and clutter and everyday life; of sleep deprivation. That wall is like a tower of wooden blocks - teetering every so precariously on one another, just waiting for a heavy step, a light wind, a shift in the rug, to topple it over into a mess on the floor. Anticipating when the wall will fall is impossible. The anticipation creates strain of its own. Maybe I need to rethink what needs my focus the most. Too bad the world doesn't seem to want to back me up on that. 

Halloween....

By the time kids are 3, they have opinions on what they want to be for Halloween. I wonder what Saoirse would have wanted to be. A super hero, a princess, a fire truck, a train? She could have been anything she wanted. 3 is the perfect age to be anything you want. If only she could have been 3.

When you are bald and it's halloween, the best costume is Uncle Fester.

Missing....

I often find myself missing having two kids. It seems to be getting more and more frequent that I look down at my baby boy playing on the floor and miss that there is not a 3 year old entertaining him. It's been making it hard for me to play with him myself. I shouldn't be the one entertaining him - it should be Saoirse. She should be shaking the toy while I do the dishes. She should be showing him how to hammer the toys, while I do a load of diapers. She should be reading him a book, while I clean the dining room. He's missing it - all of it. 

We went to Russell Orchards to get cider doughnuts and take pictures with pumpkins. (We used to take Saoirse to Smolak's, but we just can't go back yet.) I wanted a picture of Lochlan in a bucket of pumpkins, just like we had done with Saoirse both halloween seasons. I brought her little hat that she had worn in the first one (I spared putting him in her same outfit). I went to put him in a nice big bucket - and promptly go yelled at. Apparently pumpkins roll - and I shouldn't be putting a baby where pumpkins might roll and crush him (like I was going to just leave him there for a while). I wanted to walk up to that man and ask him if he understood that my baby girl could never sit in another bucket of pumpkins. That she could never hold her brother in her lap and take a picture in the pumpkin patch. That the world is full of risk, and sitting in a bucket of pumpkins is the least of my worries for him. But I didn't. He didn't need that from me. I just took Lochlan to a different bucket and did it anyway. 

I will put him in her pea pod costume and parade him down the street on halloween. I will put the photos of him next to the photos of her and see if they look the same - even though she was almost 2 months older at halloween, and he is just huge. I will do the things that I would have done if she was still here with us. But I will do it all while utterly missing her actually being here. And knowing that I only have 18 months of comparisons before there are no more side by sides. And when that day arrives, there will just be one picture going forward. 

Tongue

Lochlan had his tongue tie released! We had been going back and forth since he was born on whether or not to have it done. He was gaining weight and growing and I wasn't in pain, so we pushed it off - but then the gas started. Burping and farting were waking him up and keeping him from getting proper sleep. So we went in to have it looked at. The doctor took one look and said that she was surprised he was able to nurse at all. She did it right then - cut almost a full centimeter. 

Lochlan took it well, and did nurse right after. We will have to work on the latch a bit, to retrain him how to eat, but already we are seeing an improvement. I will miss his little heart shaped tongue though. 

Traveling.....

Lochlan is now two months old. The first month of his life we spent cuddling, and getting used to having a baby in the house again. The second month was spent on a whirl wind tour of the north eastern US - traveling by car to see family, friends, and mostly work. Lochlan, in his first two months, has seen states that I never had, and met more people than most two month olds could even expect to encounter. 

Firstly we took a 'test' trip to Virginia. My friends who I grew up with were all getting together for a little reunion (we all turn 30 starting this year - I'm the 'baby' so I turn 30 next July). All but two of our close knit group could make it, so I was determined to get down there to see everyone. (PS: we are not from VA, but Angela hosted and that's where she lives now.) Stopping in NYC to drop off the dog and break up the driving, we managed to get to Richmond in one piece, with not too much protesting from Lochlan (who hates the car). A whirlwind long weekend, we headed back home where we stayed just 5 days before leaving for our next excursion.

We started driving to Chicago - a 16 to 18 hour drive when we used to drive straight through, but with the baby (and in reality even the last couple trips out), we stop in Erie, PA for the night to break it up. Our wonderful friends, Paul and Katie, host us when we come - which makes a big difference when you are going to be on the road for so long (a kitchen and good friends always make a trip better). During our 7 days in the Chicagoland area, we had more than 7 families and friends to try and see. We managed to "cram" everyone in, and it felt like we spent most of the time in the car going from one place to another - double booking more times than I would like to admit. I am determined not to cram so much into so little time next time we are out there. 

From there we stopped for a meeting with a potential sales rep in Indiana. We stayed the night and headed down to Louisville, KY to the APHON conference. This is a conference we have been looking forward to for over a year. We missed last year's by just a few weeks, and this was the first on our list for ones we had to make in 2013 (and we will be going in 2014 for sure!). This was a great conference. Short, just 2 exhibit days, it is and intense show. We seemed to be quite a popular booth, and found so many nurses wanting more information to bring to their hospitals. As an added bonus, we saw a few of Saoirse's nurses from Children's and they were excited to meet Lochlan. He was a hit of the show, and (when he wasn't sleeping) flirted with all the nurses. 

From there we headed down to Nashville and a meeting with a distributor who is interested in our products. The first day Mike went to the AVA conference as a day guest, and spoke to a few people there. We had considered doing that show, but it was quite expensive, and we weren't sure if it would be worth it. I think the day pass was the right choice for this trip. We wandered around Nashville some, which was quite a trip (we saw someone almost get run over, and then pull a spoiler off a car, and we saw about ten thousand teen and tween girls wandering around before the Taylor Swift concert!). We decided to escape the main strip crazies, and headed up to find an art gallery. We found a great one - and we bought a painting! I love finding art when we travel and this one has a great story - it is from a group of paintings that are done by people in a community program for the disabled. They are mostly in wheelchairs, and have limited use of their hands. They paint either with their mouth, or they give signals to another person to where they want the paint and colors to go on the canvas. When you purchase the paintings, the money goes back to the program so they can continue to create! I love that the gallery is giving back to these people and helping them express themselves through art (this gallery also coordinates a program for local kids to do art after school when they might otherwise be left alone at home or out on the streets). 

After Nashville, we went back to Kentucky, this time to Lexington. We did an inservice at the University of Kentucky Children's hospital. One of the nurse managers had met us at APHON, and she wanted us to present our products to her staff. It was great to be able to go in and present the products and show how much they will be able to help the patients. 

From Kentucky, our goal was to get back to NYC for a few days. It's a long drive, so we decided to crash for the night back in Richmond. My friends were shocked at how big Lochlan had gotten in just 4 weeks. (He's growing like a weed!) Then we went up to NYC and tried to relax a little. Staying with friends always helps - especially when it means we get a home cooked meal after too much eating out. 

The driving took its toll on all of us. By the time we got to NYC, Lochlan was so off in sleeping, it took hours to get him to sleep at night. We managed to get him to nap during the day most of the time, but just short ones (which is a current trend even at home now because of all the "rocking" in the car). We were sick of the cramped quarters too, and were ready to get home. 

Once we got home, we weren't here for long. We had to make two trips right away - one to Vermont to meet a potential distributor, and one to Pittsburgh to do a children's hospital presentation. So more driving and more cramped quarters and interrupted sleeping. But now, hopefully (knock on all kinds of wood!) we will be home for a while and can just be settled (and stretched out). 

Things are moving like crazy - I have 3 events I'm trying to plan for the foundation, and things keep getting pushed off some, but we are making some headway. Now all I need is to find a few more board members and a grant writer, and maybe a free personal assistant (never hurts to wish). 

"Things I do now...."

teething (yup, for real - yes he's really young!)

sitting up in the corner of the couch

chewing on my hands when I can get them

grabbing toys

watching mommy do laundry

babbling stories

One Month

Lochlan is one month old today. I can't believe it's been a month. Sometimes it feels like longer, sometimes shorter. It is still surreal to have him here. He looks so much like Saoirse, it was hard to remember he wasn't her for a long time. In the middle of the night or when he's really crying I still sometimes call him Saoirse. It doesn't help that he wears a lot of her clothes. Sometimes it's nice to see him look so much like her - like he's for sure her brother - and sometimes it makes it harder. 

He is just now starting to interact with us more. He's a bit fussy (he's tongue tied and takes in a lot of air while nursing, so gas is our biggest challenge), but he is starting to make faces at us, and have an interest in toys. We have tried a couple books, but he's not quite interested yet. The car is a challenge that we are still working on. We are making progress, but I'm not looking forward to the long drives we will be taking in September. A pacifier in the car helps to a point, but since he doesn't latch well, he can't really keep it in his mouth so it takes a lot of effort from me. Sleep is ok - he fights falling asleep, but once he's out, he's out! Swaddling is still important to keep him from waking himself up, but he is doing well at night and takes a few good naps during the day. He's a big boy - gaining about a pound a week this first month - ending up over 11 lbs! I haven't measured how long he is, but he is definitely going to be a tall one (he's already too long almost for the boppy while nursing!). 

We are still learning each other and figuring it all out. Some days are better than others, some we are just tired. I'm looking forward to the people we are going to be seeing this september. Many of our friends and family didn't get to meet Saoirse when she was young (or at all) as we didn't get the chance to travel with her. I'm glad that Lochlan will get to meet everyone and travel a lot while he is growing up. 

I'm looking forward to when he's more interactive. I keep asking myself "what did I do when Saoirse was a month old?" I feel like I don't remember the fussiness and the crying, and I just remember when she started to really be more interested in things and have more control over her hands to play with me and her toys. I look forward to when we play together and do things together that will make us laugh. I can't wait to hear him really laugh. 

We will take it one day at a time, and remember that time goes by too fast. For now, things are not so "new" - but once he is about 10 months old, it will be new to have a healthy baby - and after 18 months, everything will be new. It's a strange place to be, knowing that in time, I won't be able to compare what Saoirse did at that age to what Lochlan is doing. He's not my first baby, but we will be having a lot of firsts together in time. It's our strange reality - our new "normal" life.