Friday, January 28, 2011


   There is a lot of thinking that happens when you find out you have cancer. For the first couple days I really just didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't in denial, I just felt like talking about it was so depressing. I'm a really positive person, so depressing things just aren't popular topics of conversation for me. Plus, I still don't know a lot about what the whole "process" is going to be; staging, treatment, etc. For now, I just want to learn what I can about the disease, figure out what my course of "action" is going to be, and prepare for treatment. Can't I still have a normal life even while going through cancer treatment? Sometimes I feel like everyone thinks that's impossible. 
   I've been slowly telling family and friends. I feel like it's not something you tell someone in an email, and it's definitely not a Facebook status announcement. I hate the facial expression that comes after the revelation. It's hard to describe; it's like a combination of shock, pity and concern. I know I shouldn't be looking for a "hey let's have a party" reaction, but it just brings everything back to the depressing mood. I just wish I could telepathically tell everyone and not look at them when they found out. I feel like it would make it easier. I hate being sick, and I hate hospitals, so I'm already 0 for 2 on that front, but I just want to get through this as "normally" as I can. I don't think that's too much to ask. Or maybe it is. I guess I'll have to wait and see. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

D-day..... Diagnosis

   Nearly 8 months ago, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. It was the beginning of my new life - a proud and happy stay at home mom. As all new moms, I've had my ups and downs, but I have been happier than ever watching my little baby grow and learn every day. Taking care of her fills me with a joy I have never felt before. 

   Today, I was told the results of my lymph node biopsy. I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. All I could think about in the doctor's office was my helpless little baby at home. How can I give her 100% of me, when some of me will have to focus on healing myself? I feel like I'm about to be torn in two very different directions, both of which will require my full attention. But being a parent is full of challenges, this is just one on my list that's not on everyone else's. I have to stay strong and with the support of my family and friends, I will get through this.